January 7, 2018

2017: Worst 5 Suffered Theatrically

What would a top ten list be without a corresponding worst list? I think I did a mostly all right job of avoiding the bad movies, but some I cannot avoid and others are just lapses in judgment. Considering how relatively few new releases I saw during the year, I am going to limit this list to a total of five. I think that’s a fair number, right? Who wants to dwell on the crap? Well, I think a lot of us do, but that’s another discussion. Without further ado, here are my bottom five new releases witnessed in a theater:

5. xXx: Return of Xander Cage. I remember when Vin Diesel said that he wouldn’t do sequels. Then he realized that’s where he money was and then that was all he seemed to do. What I wish he realized was that some franchises (or potential franchises) should have been left in the past. This movie felt like another Fast and Furious outing. It felt almost interchangeable with that. Frankly, I cannot recall any specific details other than the fact Ruby Rose was in it. It’s probably better that way.

4. The Bye Bye Man. Here is one of those movies I should have realized was going to be terrible before going to see it. The entire don’t think it, don’t say it thing just seemed a bit silly. There were no real scares, nor good characters. This one is best left in the past.

3. Rings. Why was this franchise resurrected? I feel like this was run into the ground years ago when remaking Japanese ghost stories was all the rage. I loved Ringu and the American remake The Ring, then we had The Grudge, then it was downhill from there. This latest incarnation was just not scary entertaining, nor did it make any sense. Next.

2. The Dark Tower. Now, it has been years since I have read any of them, and I never did finish the series, but there was always something about Stephen King’s Dark Tower novels that I found alluring. This movie, however, may have cured me of that notion. I think this is supposed to be some sort of sequel, but it bares no similarity to the Dark Tower I remember, and Matthew McConaughey as the villain was just laughable. Not to mention a waste of an Idris Elba performance. I recall sitting in that theater just waiting for it all to be over.

1. Fifty Shades Darker. This was one I would have never chosen on my own. My girlfriend is a fan though. I actually found it to be rather insufferable. There was no story, no chemistry, no character, and the sex wasn’t all that hot. It felt like a parody of what it wanted to be. And to think there is at least one more movie coming. Ugh.

And this concludes the worst five movies I had the misfortune of sitting through. Hopefully all of you fared a bit better in this regard.

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