January 3, 2017

2016: Worst Movies of the Year

The past year has given us more than a few stinkers. Try as I might to avoid them, I always manage to suffer through a few of them. I did manage to avoid some obvious junk like Nine Lives, Norm of the North, and Dirty Grandpa. Unfortunately, I did find myself sitting through the list below. I do not recommend wasting time with these movies, but far be it for me to dissuade you from seeing anything. Heck, for all I know, you may enjoy some of these. I feel pretty certain that I will not be seeing them again. Note: This list is compiled exclusively from films seen theatrically.

10. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I remember hearing about this book when it was first released. The idea made me chuckle, but I quickly forgot about it. Then the movie came out and it looked intriguing enough. The problem is that it is ultimately terribly boring and for a long time it seems to forget the zombie part of the title.

9. The Darkness. I recall sitting in the theater and noticing all the familiar faces, most notably Kevin Bacon. Somehow I had seen ads and trailers for this and never realized he was in it. Anyway, the movie plays out like a low rent Poltergeist clone. Supernatural events haunt a family that seems to be falling apart at the seams. Boredom for all.

8. Masterminds. Here is a comedic heist film that is not funny at all. There is talent involved, but none of it shows up on screen. It is supposed to be offbeat and quirky, it ends up being just plain stupid. Owen Wilson and Kristen Wiig are wasted here, and I am beginning to think Jared Hess doesn’t have much left either.

7. Warcraft. I’m told that if I played the games I would have enjoyed the movie more. That may be true, but that also means this is a poorly written movie. We have humans and orcs battling for whatever. Some are good, most are bad, and some team up to do good things. I don’t know. It felt like Z-grade Lord of the Rings and I just could not care.

6. The Forest. This is set around a real place, a forest where people go to commit suicide, a haunted forest. The problem is that the movie never really knows how to be scary and we are left wandering around looking for someone who may or may not be there. I will say it is a good cure for insomnia.

5. Ride Along 2. This is one I should have known better than to go see. The first one was not so great and this proved to be more of the same. Ice Cube being the tough guy and Kevin Hart the unfunny, loud, tag along. Toss in some random bad guys and explosions and you have a cut rate buddy-action/comedy that doesn’t deliver on either account.

4. London has Fallen. Why Olympus has Fallen needed a sequel, I will never know. Why I decided to go see it is another mystery. This is just a loud, dumb action movie that fails to deliver an charm or thrills to make it worthwhile.

3. The Disappointments Room. A prophetic title to say the least. This is ghost story that fails to engage or deliver any frights. It is more than a little annoying and proves, to be, like many others on this list, more than a little boring.

2. Gods of Egypt. Here is one that was so memorable that I am having trouble remembering anything about it other than that it was a terrible movie. From the bad CGI to the terrible acting, there was nothing to make this a positive experience.

1. Zoolander 2. I liked the first one a lot, but this one waited to long and missed the boat. There is a scene early on where they make fun of Zoolander being out of time, but they never follow up on it. They could have gone with an Austin Powers-esque man out of time tale, but instead they made an unfunny comedy that tried to one up the original and fail.

That about wraps up the worst movies I sat through in a theater in 2016. How successful were you at avoiding the bad movies?

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