January 24, 2007

27th Annual Razzie Awards: The Ultimate Film Achievement

Not to be outdone by their shiny big brother, the Razzie Awards committee has announced the nominees for their top prizes, the Golden Raspberry. Outside being mocked by Rosie O'Donnell, this is the highest honor that a movie can achieve. An award that is so treasured, so deeply valued, that only Tom Green has dared show up to receive it in person. No other actor, director, writer, or producer has felt they were worthy to be in the same room as it. The mere mention of the award, lovingly nicknamed "The Razzie," is enough to bring goosebumps to the mightiest that Hollywood has to offer. Read on and see those films whose utmost commitment to quality has afforded them the opportunity to vie for the prize.

What follows are some of the most notable films to hit the screen this year. Among the stars that can be glimpsed in all their radiant glory include Sharon Stone, Tim Allen, Paul Giamatti, Nicolas Cage, and Marlon Wayans. Not to mention such notable directors as Ron Howard and M. Night Shyamalan. Well, enough of my blather, here are the nominees, and my special choices for who should be so honored.

Worst Picture

  • Basic Instinct 2
  • BloodRayne
  • Lady in the Water
  • Little Man
  • Wicker Man

There really is not much competition here, the steaming pile that is Basic Instinct 2 walks away in a landslide. These are all wonderful examples of the fine art of film, the combined artistry of writer, director, and actor combined to give us this fine entertainment. Despite that dedication to quality, the Sharon Stone stunner left its audience with their collective jaw dropped and a tear in their eye.

Worst Actor

  • Tim Allen (Shaggy Dog, Zoom, Santa Clause 3)
  • Nicolas Cage (Wicker Man)
  • Larry the Cable Guy (Larry the Cable Guy, Health Inspector)
  • Rob Schneider (The Benchwarmers, Little Man)
  • Marlon Wayans & Shawn Wayans (Little Man)

In a stroke of pure genius, Tim Allen was able to give his complete attention to three features this year. In each one he gave his signature performance, forever marking them for all time with his stamp of approval. It takes a most dedicated performer to offer a distinct aroma throughout the cinemas for a good portion of any given year. However, he wouldn't be walking away with the prize, oh no. That honor belongs to a brotherly duo in a film that I have never even seen, that is how good it was, it was above me and wouldn't give me the time. The brothers Wayans are the esteemed pair to lay claim to the prize.

Worst Actress

  • Hilary Duff & Haylie Duff (Material Girls)
  • Lindsay Lohan (Just My Luck)
  • Kristanna Loken (BloodRayne)
  • Jessica Simpson (Employee of the Month)
  • Sharon Stone (Basic Instinct 2)

Pop stars and party girls unite! There is considerable star power among these nominees, having any one of them would be enough tp gurantee a hit, and one of these movies has two, yes 2 (for those who have trouble reading numbers), all but assuring the film great standing. Again, there is one that stands out from the rest, one who is old enough to give the rest a mommy complex. Sharon Stone takes the cake with her performance which is sure to make her botox supplier proud.

Worst Supporting Actor

  • Danny Devito (Deck the Halls)
  • Ben Kingsley (BloodRayne)
  • M. Night Shyamalan (Lady in the Water)
  • Martin Short (Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause)
  • David Thewlis (Basic Instinct 2, The Omen)

Wow, what a lineup, from Ghandi to Ed Grimley, these nominees can do it all. One name stands out from the rest, this man not only directed and starred in the movie, he felt confident enough to try his hand at the actor's trade, showing that anybody can do it, and do it well. He lit up the screen with his expressiveness and his ability to tell a story through movement. His name even tells you the best way to enjoy his acting, Night, as in the dark, in the darkness you will be blown away by his acting prowess.

Worst Supporting Actress

  • Kate Bosworth (Superman Returns)
  • Kristin Chenoweth (Deck the Halls, Pink Panther, RV)
  • Carmen Electra (Date Movie, Scary Movie 4)
  • Jenny McCarthy (John Tucker Must Die)
  • Michelle Rodriguez (BloodRayne)

So many pretty faces on the screen, I am overwhelmed. It must to be hard to make it look so easy. A couple of the nominees were able to wow us in more than one film, just adding to the great year that was 2006 at the cinemas. One name stands above the rest, Michelle Rodriguez showed us what it was like to act tough in medieval times, her accent indistinguishable from the other denizens of Europe of the time. She lit up the screen with her sword swinging action turn.

Worst Screen Couple

  • Tim Allen & Martin Short (Santa Clause 3)
  • Nicolas Cage & His Bear Suit (Wicker Man)
  • Hilary & Haylie Duff (Material Girls)
  • Sharon Stone's Lop-Sided Breasts (Basic Instinct 2)
  • Shawn Wayans & EITHER Kerry Washington OR Marlon Wayans (Little Man)

There have been so many pairings of stars to cross the silver screen over the years, and this year was no different. 2006 offered up some of the most memorable couples of all time, beyond their unparalleled acting ability or their uncanny ability to induce choked back fits of laughter, they can do it all. Sharon Stone, I salute you.

Worst Remake or Rip-Off

  • Little Man (Rip-off of the 1954 Bugs Bunny cartoon "Baby Buggy Bunny")
  • Pink Panther
  • Poseidon
  • The Shaggy Dog
  • Wicker Man

Hollywood has a wonderful ability to decide when it is time to dip into the well of the past and pluck out an old gem to reintroduce to a new generation. They also know exactly how those classics of the past can be improved upon and made better, a must in order to appeal to a younger audience. Even when it isn't a straight up redo, they know the ideas and concepts that have been experimented with that are the perfect fodder for a full length film, complete with a new name. Little Man stands tall with its comical take on the adult child genre of comedy.

Worst Sequel or Prequel

  • Basic Instinct 2
  • Big Momma's House 2
  • Garfield 2: A Tail Of Two Kitties
  • Santa Clause 3
  • Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

When they aren't "re-imagining" the films of the past, Hollywood is busy looking to recent hits for areas of opportunity. If we are willing to spend our money on a new classic, we are sure to hand it over for a second, or third, or fourth outing of the characters. It is a virtually bottomless well of creativity and opportunity for visionary filmmakers to advance their skills. Once again, Sharon Stone stars in the one movie to exceed expectations on all counts. Bringing back the sexy slayer is pure genius. Sharon, I applaud your daring in taking the character to new heights in a film which pushes the erotic boundaries of the R rated film.

Worst Director

  • Uwe Boll (Bloodrayne)
  • Michael Caton-Jones (Basic Instinct 2)
  • Ron Howard (The Da Vinci Code)
  • M. Night Shyamalan (Lady In The Water)
  • Keenan Ivory Wayans (Little Man)

Directing is not an easy thing, but these five men make it look like anyone can do it.The ease with which they handle their screenplays and their performers is like a clown spinning plates, entertaining the crowd while keeping everything in the air. No one better exemplifies this aesthetic than the inimitable Uwe Boll. I do not know how he does it, but he continues to improve his artistic vision with each successive film.

Worst Screenplay

  • Basic Instinct 2 - Screenplay by Leora Barish & Henry Bean Based on Characters Created by Joe Eszterhas
  • BloodRayne - Screenplay by Guinevere Turner, Based on the Video Game
  • Lady In The Water - Written by M. Night Shyamalan
  • Little Man - Written by Keenan Ivory Wayans, Marlon Wayans, and Shawn Wayans
  • Wicker Man - Screenplay Adapted by Neil LaBute from a Screenplay by Anthony Schaffer

Writing a screenplay is not an easy thing to do. The ability to construct dialogue that flows as freely as a mountain stream is not as simple as having an actual conversation. The problems lie in giving it too much thought, overthinking leaves too much room for wordiness and clunky dialogue that no one can relate to. These writers show that brilliance can be acheived with little brain power. Write the first thing that comes to mind and love it, do not attempt to rewrite as you will lose the genius of the free flowing mind. This is a tough call as both the Basic Instinct 2 and BloodRayne screenplays contain beautiful flowing dialogue. The edge will have to go with BloodRayne for the way it transports me to a medieval land where distinctive accents and vampires ruled the countryside.

Worst Excuse for Family Entertainment

  • Deck The Halls
  • Garfield 2: A Tail Of Two Kitties
  • RV
  • Santa Clause 3
  • The Shaggy Dog

The search for quality family programming is always a tricky thing. You have to balance the wholesome humor for the children with enough sophistication to hold the attention of the adults in attendance. The nominees listed here are fine examples of just what it takes to satisfy everyone in equal measure. There is one that stands above in its ability to capture the hearts and minds of all who were lucky enough to bear it witness. Deck the Halls is that rare film that captures the true meaning of the holiday season and is able to create characters that are memorable as well as a light show that is sure to send all who can stand its brilliance into epileptic fits of joy.

That brings us to the end of our presentation. If you haven't already, and you have a strong internal constitution, be sure you take the time to experience all of the nominated films. If you want to learn what it takes to make high art, look no further, this is your answer. They could quite possibly be the finest movies ever made.

***NOTE: This is meant for entertainment purposes only, willful ingestion of any of the above are sure to cause unwanted side effects. Side effects may include upset stomach, diarrhea, constipation, nausea, runny nose, anal leakage, joint pain, muscle aches, and the inability to maintain an erection for at least four hours. If you experience any of these side effects, please see any of the Academy Award nominees, as this may be a sign of a more serious problem.


Post a Comment